Relationships are one area that most people, especially most women, give a high priority to. Our concern regarding how others perceive us can run our lives if we are not aware of common social conditioning.

It is a fact that the need to love and be loved is a fundamental human characteristic. In fact, when we come into the world, we are a shining, bundle of love and we are expecting to continue feeling the unconditional love and acceptance that enlivens us, and is the Source from which we come.

Babies in general are such magnetic radiators of this love that we become mesmerized with their eyes and their smiles. Adults generally smile and feel good around a happy baby and unconsciously; we too sense this unconditional love coming at us.

In fact, babies so expect to have their needs met that if you don’t respond pronto, they will let you know how upset they are loud and clear without holding back. Now between birth and age seven a lot happens to potentially incite within us the sense of fear of separation from this unconditional love. As young children, we are emotional beings, with very little logic.

In fact, early in life, children are so close to source awareness, and their left logical/mental faculties so immature, that they have not even developed a sense of separate self. They still experience literal oneness with others, particularly their primary caregiver. It is not until we start language and are aware of our name, that we start forming our sense of self/identity.

Fast forward: commonly, we attach negative stories about ourselves early in life as children tend to think that everything is their fault, and they do not understand logically how to deal with “negative” (I like to call them inharmonious) emotions that are opposite to love. They just know they don’t feel good, and the fear center, survival center of the brain is kicking out “flight or fight” neuropeptides.

We create our “autobiographical memory” during these years, and put on personalities (persona means “mask”) that allow us to cope with our environment to feel safe. Yet, if we harbor “something is wrong with me” or “I must please them to be loved”, we can carry these feelings into our adulthood. If we don’t deal with them, they will run our lives.

Now here is what I know. Most adults do just the opposite of children where blame is concerned. As a defense mechanism to avoid feelings of shame (adults are overgrown children who never reconciled these early feelings), adults tend to act like victims and blame everybody for their issues.

However, one of the fastest ways to figure out your unconscious beliefs about yourself is to notice the patterns of how others treat you. When I did not like myself and felt that I was not “good enough”, I ultimately kept finding myself in relationships with people who lacked integrity, were not supportive or generally were pompous and arrogant (always a front for insecurity by the way).

When I believed that others were untrustworthy and envious I keep attracting relationships/friendships that proved me right. When I felt lonely, I had a difficult time making friends. As I changed my beliefs about myself and about how “people were” and instead focused on loving myself, healing the pain behind my masks and stopped looking for love in all the wrong places – my relationships dramatically changed and improved.

What I’ve discovered is that people reflect back to me not what I want, but what I believe to be true. So, make peace with yourself, accept yourself, and you will be able to change more easily the personality “parts” of yourself that need to be healed and updated to the next version of you.

You will then be on the new “wavelength” to attract a different quality of relationship. Have you noticed that who you are can change and grow? – That when you change your beliefs about yourself that your experience of life changes?

Tags: Confidence, Empowerment, Happiness, Relationships, Self-Esteem

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 10th, 2010 at 9:52 pm and is filed under Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.