The Authenticity to Be YOU, Magnificently.

Authenticity, Confidence, Leadership, Self-awareness, resiliency, Clarity, Life Purpose

Be YOU, Magnificently.® The journey to aligning with these three simple words has been paradoxically one of my greatest challenges! What began with the grounding of my branding message from idea to form turned into what has felt like a testing of my courage and commitment to my life purpose. I had no idea really of just how much armor I was still carrying around my heart when I first decided upon choosing these three words for my tagline a few years ago. Talk about living into your brand… I must say it’s not been easy—yet it’s been soooo worth it. If I never share my decades of lessons learned from my ‘shero’ life journey, which includes my professional/business journey, my own personal development has greatly benefited.

My self-discovery from this process has bought a level of purpose, peace and personal power that has been invaluable. Little did I know that having the words, “Be YOU, Magnificently” staring me in the face would unearth so many buried and forgotten storylines, perceptions and limiting mindsets running amuck in my own psyche.

What’s been holding me back over the past couple of years specifically? As a person with a purpose to restore vision and a former eye surgeon no less, who talks about authenticity and personal power ironically it’s been—you may have guessed it—inauthenticity! It felt like an invisible brick wall, no a fortress actually. I really cannot come from my place of unique truth and personal power within my heart if it is locked up and hidden away. Invulnerability, perfectionism, working too much, being a “know it all”, powering over others, talking too much versus listening, comparing ourselves to others competitively, dysfunctional self-centeredness—these are all socially encouraged behaviors that limit our greater potential. I’ve lived over the decades through all of these storylines and characters. They are draining and they will suck the life out of you over time. They actually limit our performance, especially in the times we are currently living in.

Ironically, I needed to have my own vision restored in order to see the light within me with more clarity—and therefore also see the light more clearly in others. I still had lots of blinds spots that needed clarity in order to tap in to the voice of my own inner truth. I’m still expanding my vision, of course, it really never stops—hopefully. Life is an ever-evolving process. I’ve had to tune out the voices telling me what I ‘should’ do, and how to follow a 5 or 7 Step Process that was not built from my own inner blueprint for my own life purpose.


Authenticity: Casting Off the Shackles of Shame

Shame, vulnerability, mindset, neuroscience, authenticity, guilt, self-love, self-acceptance

Would it be helpful to you if you could shift your feelings toward confidence and joy ‘on demand’ like changing the cable channel? How about dialing up gratitude or self-love in a way that feels genuine, not just disingenuous platitudes? There is already objective research proving that when we change the meaning assigned to an experience, it can turn off our fear provoking amygdala area of our brain. The more we practice this, the more confident and resilient we can become.

This translates to giving us the power to break the shackles of shame—typically a self-generated ‘story.’

I’ve given much thought over the decades to shame and vulnerability. Brene Brown’s research, via her 20 million views TED Talk, (admit it or not, obviously someone’s interested in this topic) has made these words more publicly accessible without in themselves provoking shame and embarrassment by broaching the subject in public. Fact is, until we can access dialog, we will stay trapped.

I’m speaking from my experience now; I’ve done and am doing what this brain science is now showing. You can break the stronghold of running away from the mirror only to project your self-frustration onto other people. You can start to live as a whole person, with a whole heart instead of a heart that is fragile and easy to break into a million pieces.

Walking through life trying to avoid being vulnerable I believe leads to what Henry David Thoreau called a “life of quiet desperation.” A willingness to be vulnerable involves emotional discomfort on some level. It also involves uncertainty, which is uncomfortable as well. Learning how to consciously operate my brain has made this much less uncomfortable, frankly. My own journey into vulnerability which began about 15 years ago, and is till evolving, had a huge leap forward as I started to hold myself with self-love and acceptance over the past seven years in particular. Without self-compassion it can be terrifying to be vulnerable because when we are hard on ourselves, our ability to be open to emotional exposure and discomfort is even less tolerable. It’s like we walk through life holding our breath and avoiding anything that feels threatening, even if it means living without authenticity.

I’ve found that this strategy doesn’t work well over time. Putting armor on only increased isolation and started to decrease my resiliency over time. I became more volatile, more judgmental and less mentally agile. I became more stressed out trying to hold myself together and doing too much to distract me from my feelings. My need for predictability and control only increased. My ability to relax and have fun dried up. It’s pretty easy to convince yourself that you are tough and strong when you are spending much of your time alone because you’ve alienated others, are working all the time or you secretly avoid others for fear of not belonging. Fortunately, I figured out a while back that this was not the way I was going to lead my life. It was not the experience I wanted. I finally figured out that I had the power within to change, and change I did.

The first big step was self-acceptance.


Mindset: Is Your Reality Really an Illusion?

Mindset, Neuroscience, Self-Awareness, Performance

You may be thinking, “Of course my reality is real, I’m looking right at it; seeing is believing.” Well, I know that’s the only part we’ve been generally taught. Yet, behind this is a deeper truth; believing is seeing. This is the essence of perception—we “see” what we believe. “How” we focus matters. We find what our brain perceives to be true often based upon past conclusions drawn, accurate or not. What we focus on expands. Neuroscience evidence supports this concept now.

“Reality is an Illusion; albeit a very persistent one” ~Albert Einstein

Einstein had it correct, and it is persistent for the reasons you will see as you read on.

By the time we see our “reality” in the physical 3D, we have undergone a process within our brain and nervous system that we are generally oblivious to. While what you see before your eyes is real in the physical sense, the interpretation of the situation or circumstance is quite subjective and changeable. You see, the meaning, the ‘story’ that you assign to the situation, relationship or circumstance is not objective. Even more to the point, the story or meaning that you tell yourself about what is going on around you will cause you to take actions that lead to your behaviors over time and eventually will become an unconscious habit. This ultimately determines the outcomes of your life.

These habitual behaviors are so automatic that they will blindside you before you even realize what hit you. It’s not that they are ‘good or bad.’ They are just patterns that you are likely to have unwittingly “programmed” into you own brain. You see, the metaphor of the “quantum computer” is a good one for our brain. We really don’t understand the intricacies of how it all operates and frankly, most people do not even realize there is an “operating system” to their brain in the first place. It is a system that they have no clue as to how to access or self-manage. So what does this look like in everyday life?

So here’s an example. John is a VP of marketing and he has a goal of becoming a Senior VP within his division within the next 18-24 months. While this is what he writes down on paper in his notebooks, he struggles with feeling confident during leadership team meetings with his ‘boss.’ He expects the worst and he focuses on what he doesn’t want instead of what he does want. This only makes the brain more prone to zeroing in on repeating his own self-sabotaging behavior—very persistently. Because he is a perfectionist, though he would not call himself this, he is overly concerned with being right, over prepares with irrelevant minutia and has trouble completing his responsibilities on time due to over micromanaging. Yet, he fails to effectively coordinate following up on his team member’s assignments that his is overseeing.

One habit he has is focusing on what is wrong in a situation and ignoring what has gone well. So, of course, he doesn’t tend to acknowledge his team for a job well done either, which damages morale. While being a worrier may have motivated him in college, life has become so much more complex that now, he can’t even sleep at night due to a busy overactive brain. This of course creates stressful feelings of dread, anxiety and distracts his energy, vitality and concentration. It’s pretty hard to make good decisions and organize your work if you lack clarity. This causes him more anxiety, more worry and more distraction—a vicious cycle, which keeps him up at night. It makes him show up as scattered, lacking confidence and not exactly the most productive member on the team. So how is his brain reacting to all of this?


Straight Talk on Self-Talk to Improve Your Performance

Self-awareness, self-esteem, confidence, self-talk, leadership, empathy, neuroscience

“Gosh, what a stupid mistake I made.” “I’ll never be able to_________.” “I’m too old to learn ________.”

Have these or similar thoughts ever run through your mind before? Do they happen on a regular basis? If so, you may want to learn how to, “Reign in Your Brain.” Self-talk is essentially the inner dialogue we have with ourselves that can be either positive or negative, though unfortunately it seems to be typically not very self-supportive for many people.

Where do these thoughts come from? Our brain is constantly seeking meaning of our experiences, whether the assumption made is accurate or not. The narrative, or “story” that we assign to an experience is subjective and is frankly, determined by our sense of self-identity. The storyline follows how we see our self in relationship to others and to our environment. It’s a story of “who we think we are” and this story is stored in our brain and mind as, “autobiographical memory.” This forms the basis of our self-talk.

The key word here is, “subjective.” Ultimately, YOU are the director and scriptwriter of your life and experience, even if you are not aware of doing it. Your brain and nervous system will store your scripts of meaning in the cellular memory of your body and with the feeling quality in which you first created the context. Think about it, an event happens, yet it’s how you respond and interpret the event that creates the memory, the construct, the meaning.

We begin to form our self-identity early in life, a time when we are immature and often feel little (well, children are little in statute) and helpless. Children also have limited experience and often take the blame for whatever is hurdled at them, including the harsh words of an irritable teacher who unwittingly responded without first thinking about what came out of his or her mouth. If a child takes it personally—and typically this is the case—that voice becomes wired into one’s memory as fact, irrational or not. Ever heard of the “boogeyman?” Children can have some pretty wild, irrational ways of thinking, so it’s understandable.


Is This You? – But We’ve Always Done it This Way

Leadership, Organizational Change, Business Optimization, Change Management

Is the strong tendency to resist change “just the way we are?” Are we “just born that way?” Are our brains, “just made that way?” Simply put, the answers are “no, no and no.” Now I know there are those who will dismiss this as just B.S. in a derogatory way, but I would argue that if it is B.S., the B.S. should stand for “Belief System.” It is our belief systems that wire our brain and mind in the manner that leads us to generally fear and run away from change.

We can create effective belief systems that would change our brain in effective ways—literally. Frankly, it’s illogical behavior to keep doing things in ways that no longer serve us. Why would you just stand there watching your ship go down, or continue to walk over the edge of the cliff, in the name of, “But we’ve always done it that way.”

Remember old household names, like Kodak, Blockbuster—ships that went down, doing things the way they’d always been done. They ignored the change, and the price they paid was high. These organizations poorly managed changed. Blind spots can lead to disaster when persistently denied. “Elephants in the room” can seemingly overnight (… it is really a slow death that didn’t just happen overnight) run wild and trample over everything in their paths—including your whole company.


Leadership Advantage in the Modern Workplace

Collaborative Leadership, Team Building, Emotional Intelligence, Personal Development, Valencia Ray


Women do have an advantage in leadership style in today’s workplace, not simply because we are women, but more so because “heart” behavior, such as showing another person empathy or exercising better listening skill is becoming more socially acceptable as exemplary leadership behavior. Yet, do not men have a “heart” as well? Judy B. Rosener in the Harvard Business Review article “Ways Women Lead” postulates that characteristics generally considered to be “feminine” accounts for why women are succeeding in the 21st century workplace. “Macho male” leadership styles tend to lead to disengagement in today’s world.

Let me be explicit here for a moment. While I know that our language implicates “feminine” as being only of the female or woman, I find it striking that the functional qualities of our right-brain parallel qualities that our language defines as feminine or female. Yet, human beings – men included – have a right-brain hemisphere. Perhaps we need to rethink the etymology of “feminine” and realize that with the clearer understanding of the roles of the brain hemispheres, our tendency to define behavior along gender lines may be antiquated. Our brain capabilities give us the ability to act as we need to in order to evolve and adapt to our environment.

Could it be that we have artificially segmented and categorized behaviors unwittingly according to gender, when really it is culture that has determined what is “feminine” versus “masculine” behavior? That true biology as related to the physiology of our brain has much greater flexibility than this?

For the sake of males who are leaders in today’s world where empathy is valued, I would think that looking at behavior based upon our brain’s ability to respond should supersede outdated definitions that connect behaviors along gender lines. Empathy is a human quality that can be cultivated, not a limited-to-gender quality. Perhaps we can start to recognize that our left-brain and right-brain contain functional qualities that can help us on an individual basis as needed, instead of pegging behavior into gender role-playing. Enough said; something to think about.


Mindset: Ready to Change Your B.S.?

Transformational Leadership, Perform at your best, self-awareness, more focus, mindset, Neuroscience of Leadership Development, more confidence, more momentum, more passion, mental agility, executive coaching, valencia ray

News Flash: where your mind is set—mindset—is not permanent. Your brain is flexible; you can learn throughout your life. Science calls it “neuroplasticity.” I call it, “NeuroReInvention®.” The belief that:

  1. “I am stuck”
  2. “This is just the way I am”
  3. “I can’t change”
  4. “I’m not good enough”
  5. “I’m always right; this is the way life is”

…is really simply B.S. and by this I mean it is a “Belief System.” You could also say it is due to blind spots in your life’s field of vision. It is my experience that we can change our B.S. Fortunately we now also have neuroscience for our skeptical, fearful-of-change logical brain. We can stop telling ourselves self-limiting stories that keep us from performing at our best at home and at the office. We can change our perceptions that interfere with harmonious relationships, our finances and our health. We can re-create our belief systems.

An important ingredient to this is to begin to understand that your personality and your potential are moldable. Your gender, race, creed or color doesn’t define the totality of you. In fact, whatever definitions are given are someone’s, somewhere subjective opinion and definition. Even your definition of yourself is subjective. You can stop believing it; you can change how and what you think. You can change how you feel. Perception is not objective.


Perform at Your Best Using Your Purpose Filter

Perform at your best, self-awareness, more focus, mindset, Neuroscience of Leadership Development, more confidence, more momentum, more passion, mental agility, executive coaching,

Living with purpose – on purpose, requires clarity of values, what matters to you. To perform at your best you need to make conscious choices about what really matters to you. Without a definite purpose it is all too easy to be distracted by “the latest greatest thing.” It requires a decision to focus yet at the same time having an open mind to filter through relevant insights, information and opportunities. It requires an expanded vision to live an inspired and creative life.

This will require not only a higher level of self-awareness, but also mental agility. Adaptability. Confidence. It is not likely to be the most popular way of living as unfortunately, the masses of people live overcrowded or externally directed lives. Unfortunately, Henry David Thoreau’s words still ring true that,

“The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation”

Meaning can’t be found outside of ourselves until we go within to feel into our heart – our passion. With all the fear and noise around us, we have to find our passion, which is likely to be buried under a mound of negative feelings. We can intentionally shift from worry, anxiety and mediocrity when we make up our minds – and heart – to do so. Sometimes we can’t find our passion unless we actually acknowledge, what really makes us angry? Not in a self-righteous way, but in a way that shows concern for a cause greater than just us.

We will have to ask some questions if we want new answers, questions such as,

1. Where do I want to go, to experience? Why?
2. What do I really want?
3. Can I envision it in my mind’s eye?
4. Can I communicate it…to myself?
5. Who or to what cause do I want to serve?


5 Crucial Ways that Self-Esteem and Confidence Affect Leadership Ability

Personal Power, Self-Esteem, Confidence, Perform at Your Best, Leadership

Leadership and the workplace are evolving rapidly. Daily life in general is moving faster than ever and how we experience it is contingent upon how we view ourselves relative to our environment. We can view ourselves as helpless victims of circumstances or as capable human beings able to learn, grow and adapt successfully to our challenges. Our inner self-image has never been more important, especially as leaders.

It’s not often addressed, yet how we see our self is reflected in our chosen leadership styles, our choice of clothing and even they way in which we communicate and connect to others. Self-esteem or how we esteem ourselves affects confidence and decision-making. Sometimes we overcompensate by being pushy and aggressive and sometimes we shrink back into our shells.

An interesting fact is that, neuroscience reveals what I figured out a while ago – that our level of self-esteem and confidence is changeable and evolves according to our own self-perception.

To the degree that you make time to reflect on where you are, you can move yourself from a victim mindset of, “that’s just the way I am,” to a victor’s mindset of taking the reins of your life and personality into your own hands.

You have more control than you probably realize.

In the meantime here’s some perspectives on self-esteem – how you esteem your self, the “who you think you are,” versus confidence – the ability “to do,” to take action, to engage. Self-esteem highlights your inner feelings regarding worth of your self, confidence expresses your ability to accomplish or do something. As a leader, these two factors can influence your performance and ability to lead. As a human being, it impacts your relationships on every level. Here are five ways that self-esteem and confidence can show up within the context of life:


The Courage to Lead: Changing Our Story

Collaborative Leadership, Women Leadership, Innovation, Retrain Your Brain, Neuroscience of Leadership, Valencia Ray, The Efficace Group, Personal Power, Team Development, Executive Coaching, Self-Awareness

Truth is, it takes courage to change your mind. Particularly when we live in a culture that expects us to have all the answers and make no mistakes. We hold ourselves to an impossible standard and then we wonder why change is so difficult. Many if not most people, are standing like deer in the headlights when it comes to making changes in their behaviors that are no longer serving them. Why?

In order to see change in your life, you have to make changes in your way of thinking and feeling – first. The fact is, who you think you are, what you think you can do, be or have is a “story.”

Our brain forms, “autobiographical memory” – the story or narrative of who we think we are. The good news is that thanks to “neuroplasticity” – the ability of our brain to rewire and change itself literally – we can change our story on demand the more self-aware we become. The bad news is, if you don’t have the courage to trust yourself, listen to your own heart and feel the need to be validated by the so-called experts, you may live and die with the greatest parts of yourself locked deep inside, never to be shared with the rest of us. Now that’s unfortunate.

I had an interesting conversation with someone recently whom I greatly admire. He’s a person of integrity and he speaks his truth, which I admire. I’ve asked him to always tell me his truth, and don’t worry about how I’ll take it. I like honesty and I can learn by listening and becoming self-aware of my blind spots. In a nutshell, because he, like probably most people, didn’t realize that an eye surgeon (an M.D. medical eye physician) has professional training in the brain and nervous system in order to do their job, he made an erroneous assumption, that I’ve come to realize is not unique to him. I took note; perhaps I need to be more explicit. The upside of this is that it made it loud and clear how important perception is, so perhaps I can help some people to get out of their own way by educating them on the fact that neuroscience is a part of my training as an eye surgeon as it relates to the message I share. I’d say most people have been conditioned to believe that nearly everything we do has to have validation by an institution.

This need for institutional validation is the point I want to focus on in this article and why we need to change our story about this constant need for external validation. There is some value to this, yet we have taken it to ridiculous proportions in many cases.